Last weekend was my sister’s 32nd birthday. When you get into your thirties, you don’t really care about what people get you… you just use it as an excuse to be stupid and surround yourself with people you enjoy. My cousin invited us out to the country for a little booze and barbecue to celebrate the occasion, and my brother in law had the brilliant idea of bringing a small arsenal along with us. Between the two of us we had three handguns, a shotgun, and about 600 rounds of ammo to go with it. We arrived to the sound of gunfire ringing out from my cousin’s back porch, so I knew the party was already underway. It was going to be a good night…
I had already loaded the Glock with target rounds so all I needed was an icy Sam Adams and I was ready to join the fun. Now, before I continue, I know that those of you who are reading this are already split into two camps… one that thinks this sounds like the perfect Saturday night, and one that is recoiling at the thought of combining guns and alcohol. Listen, if you’re a moron around guns you’re a moron, period. Beer has nothing to do with it… however, if you know how to treat weapons with the respect they’re due, there isn’t a goddamn thing wrong with firing off a few rounds while holding a cold tallboy. Blowing shit up is fun, and adding beer to any activity automatically makes it better — how could it not be awesome?? The best part is that the combination vastly expands your choice of potential targets. Without beer, you’d probably be satisfied with pumping a few rounds into a couple of cedar trees. With it, that decorative landscaping cactus starts to mock you. Fuck it, I hate that cactus — BLAM!! Hey! Go get a few of those old stuffed animals! PULL!! BLAM BLAM BLAM!! Before you know it, you’re ransacking the house looking for items to obliterate. Ooh, look! A Tickle Me Elmo doll! Quick, get the 12 gauge!! The 12 gauge is particularly satisfying because it’s both supremely destructive and easy to use — just load, point in the general direction of the target, and fire. You never miss. After two or three beers, it becomes the weapon of choice…
While this may still sound like a bad idea to you, I put it to you that America needs this kind of mayhem to balance the groups of vocal, self-righteous nannies who tirelessly work to erase our freedoms. Society is too risk averse and safety crazed and it’s putting Darwin out of a job. I say we should encourage such behavior because, at the end of the day, there will be a few less morons to deal with… and those that can handle their booze and bullets will be well prepared to respond in the event of a national emergency. Terrorist invasion? No problem. Zombie apocalypse? We’re on it. Alien attack? Now that’s what I’m talking about. Think ‘War of the Worlds’ — a far superior alien race arrives with the sole intention of taking over the planet. On one hand, you’ll have the shivering masses, huddled at home with four months worth of bottled water, a hurricane lamp, and battery operated radio waiting for the latest government announcements. On the other hand, you’ll have a bunch of idiots like myself, half drunk on Jägermeister, driving four-wheel-drive trucks with an ice chest full of cold brew in the back and a laser-sighted hand cannon by our side. Fuck those alien assholes — I’ve been training my whole life for this. Our stockpile of ammo was intended for a weekend of fun, but it works just as well to repel hordes of little green bastards. Our liquor cabinet was stocked in preparation for a Halloween party, but it’s also perfectly suited to give us the courage we need to mount an assault on the alien mothership. We might not be the most professional group of peacekeepers, but at least we’ll have the balls to get shit done…
God I hope they attack Europe first. Everyone knows that aliens don’t respond well to persuasive language and diplomacy and that’s all those faggots know how to do. Sure, soccer hooligans know how to start some shit… but hurling empty beer bottles only works when your opponent is a bunch of unarmed police officers. When your opponent is packing hypersonic death rays, all you’re doing is inviting a quick death…
Anyway, I digress. The main point I’m making here is that you shouldn’t squander life by constantly playing it safe. I’m not advocating recklessness… but sometimes you need to sack up and take a little risk. Have a little fun. Put a foot over the line. It wasn’t long ago that Texans carried rifles in the back window of their pickup trucks — now that’s unthinkable. It’s examples like this that mean that we all need to do our part to make America just a little less… sterile. A little less… politically correct…
After all, the future of the planet may depend on it…
— Bingo