Well, it’s that time of year again: Halloween. And that can only mean two things… Christmas music playing in retail stores way too fucking early, and parties whose main theme is dry ice submerged in grain alcohol. I love this time of year.
Halloween holds a special place in my heart because it’s a license to indulge your natural tendencies regardless of whether you’re an adult or a child. As a kid, I was hell bent to score as much candy as I could in one evening. As an adult, the Hershey bar has been replaced by the hottie wearing glowing devil horns… but it’s still the same game. Wear a kick ass costume and you’ll probably get what you want…
Your costume will make or break you at your favorite Halloween party, so it needs to grab attention. It needs to be something that easily promotes conversation with drunk women. It needs to contribute to the overall party atmosphere, but every year, I see at least a half dozen people that don’t seem to understand the rules. In case you are one of these socially retarded people, here are some basic guidelines you can follow to ensure you get invited again next year:
- Your costume must be recognizable by drunk people. If you’re going to be Borat, look like fucking Borat. Don’t be the Borat that everyone mistakes for Groucho Marx.
- Don’t try to be intellectual. Your explanation of why you dressed as Edgar Allen Poe – though relevant to the dark theme of Halloween – isn’t going to score any points with the hot nurse with huge tits.
- If you’re going to be lazy, you better be funny. If you wear a pair of scrubs, your personality is going to have to work overtime to compensate for your lame-ass costume. You better have a fart machine in your pants or know some good proctologist jokes.
- Be original. We saw The Crow and Captain Jack Sparrow last year. And the year before that. Get a new idea. Ladies, you’re exempt from this rule. You will be sorted by the guys into three categories: hot, taken, and maybe after one more drink. We don’t remember what you wore last year.
- Captain Kirk only scores on the television show. If you’re a nerd, don’t be obvious.
- If you rent a costume, you better have rolled up in a new Porsche 911 Turbo. Wearing a rental either says you’ve got more important shit to do than make a costume… or that you are an unimaginative idiot. Your ride will help us figure out which case applies to you.
- If you wear a bold costume, you better have the balls to pull it off. A ninja tampon costume only works if you run around punching girls in the pootie and yelling ‘Waaaaaaaaaaah!‘ like Bruce Lee.
If wearing a costume is a chore to you, stay home… and for God’s sake, if you’re headed to an adult party, don’t bring your fucking kids. I might decide to wear a Viagra t-shirt and a strap-on dildo beneath some jogging shorts, and your four-year-old will be curious. Also, the fact that your child is present will not deter me from being obnoxiously drunk, using my full adult vocabulary, or displaying my bare ass if the situation calls for it. If you’re not cool with little Johnny observing any of these activities, get a fucking sitter. I owe you no apology for how I act in front of your child if they didn’t belong there in the first place.
Finally, if you bring a private stash, be discreet about it. Don’t whip out the bottle of Jägermeister in front of everyone and then have to nerve to turn people away – we’ll pay attention to where you hide the bottle and get our share when you’re not paying attention. Refusing to pour the bottle dry only announces what a dickhead you are to the entire fucking party…
Well, that’s about it. Have fun out there, be safe, and enjoy the fact that you have a few more months until you have to endure one of those uncomfortable holiday dinners with your drunk relatives. Boy, I sure can’t wait for that. And two months of Christmas commercials… that’s my favorite. And carols trumpeting from displays in every housewares section in every store across America. Boy, do I have a few things to rant about there…
Stay tuned for a big, fat dose of holiday cheer.
– Bingo