Note: This was originally contributed to my blog on MySpace, prior to creating seriously bad-ass website you are viewing now. Yes, I had a MySpace account. No, I’m not a child molester.
No, I don’t want to be your friend.
Commentary follows:
I used to love Halloween when I was a kid… and as a new home-owner, tonight was a special night for me. It was the night that I got to create a little Halloween spookiness of my own and be ‘the cool guy house’ that had all the bad-ass candy. I went to H.E.B. and Costco and friggin’ stocked up… none of those little-ass packets of Sweet-Tarts and Dum-Dums and crap like that… I bought whole fucking candy bars. Hells yeah, bee-otch, these kids are gunna love it! Baby Ruth, Nestle Crunch, Butterfinger, Almond Joy… big-ass packs of Peanut Butter Cups… you name it. Da good shit.
I got three pumpkins and spent about two hours carving them last night… they kicked ass. Three different faces… one scary, one mischievous, one happy… got some old candles and cut them down so that the wicks were really tall and would light the pumpkin brightly. Yeeah!! I put two in the yard, and one on the mailbox facing down the street as if to say “YO! KIDS! YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS THIS!”
I put Evil Dead II on my big-ass television and cranked the screams… dimmed the lights, lit candles inside… turned on the porch light and anxiously awaited my chance to add to the Halloween goodness that was about. And, for my efforts, I GOT THREE TRICK-OR-TREATERS. FUCKING HELL!!!
My neighbors are a bunch of putzes!! Nobody so much as turned on a porch light, and although my jack-o-lanterns were doing their best, it just wasn’t an inviting scene. The first little girl showed up late… after I pretty much realized I was going to be stuck with an ass-load of candy. I offered her the bowl because my dad said that kids get a kick out of picking out their own candy. Makes sense… but since I had every flavor that Hershey makes, her reaction was less excitement and more of a kid overwhelmed. I was like, “Go ahead. Take as much as you like…” and thinking privately to myself, “PLEASE, kid, save me from eating all this shit by myself!!” I wouldn’t let her go without taking more than any one kid has a right to… she kept looking at me shyly as if to say, “Jeezus, mister, are you sure it’s okay to take so much???”
Her mom was dressed as a witch and eyeing me carefully. Single male waaaaay too excited about giving candy away. Check local sex-offender listings for this guy when I get home…
The second two were brother and sister. The little girl was shy, but the boy went bonkers with some encouragement and took with him what would have been, in my youth, a gold-mine. Oh well. At least I made that kid’s night, right???
Meh. I need some chocolate… next stop, diabetes.
— Bingo