I don’t like going to the grocery store. I never have. I live by myself, and as long as there is beer in the fridge, I never really feel compelled to restock my pantry. When I do actually take a trip to the store, I am constantly reminded of the bullshit society in which we live. You see, buying food is one of the most fundamental tasks that we should be asked to accomplish. We don’t have to grow it, butcher it, package it, make sure that it is nicely canned and not going to spoil… no… all we have to do is walk our lazy asses into the store and buy it. And we can’t even get that right…
My favorite market has a row of nothing shy of a dozen electrically powered scooters lining the wall at its entrance. They lay waiting, plugged into their wall sockets, for some no good lazy ass mutherfucker to walk through the door and decide that the laborious task of placing groceries in a basket needs the assistance of modern technology. That, my friends, is utterly insane. Oh, but Bingo! What about elderly people that don’t have the ability to walk the aisles? What about disabled veterans that beg for money on street corners? Fuck them. Yeah, I said it, fuck ’em. First of all, if you’re able to walk your ass to your Cadillac El Dorado and drive to the store, I’ll just bet that you’re healthy enough to to find a fresh bag of potato chips without assistance. And if you think that the degenerate ‘will work for food’ low life scum bags you give your money to end up at the grocery store instead of their favorite meth dealer, you’re the one that should be parking in a handicapped spot. These people should be embracing the opportunity for exercise — they should be thanking their lucky stars that modern society placed them at the doorstep of such bounty, not questioning the manner in which it is retrieved…
I dunno, Bingo… what about people that are overweight? If they walked a little more, maybe they wouldn’t be so fucking fat. What about people that gain weight due to medical conditions? You know why that problem doesn’t exist in fossil records? Tigers. Big, fuck off, scary, sabre-tooth tigers. You got a glandular problem? Fuck you, you’re dinner. The uncivilized past cared not for your medical condition, it simply offered death by carnivore as an alternative to your own inability to solve the problem. Gee, Bingo, I think you’re a little over the top on this one. No, goddamn it, I’m not. I’m all for having handicapped parking spaces and places to park for expectant mothers. I’m for providing accessibility to the disabled and ramps for people in wheelchairs — WHEELCHAIRS, motherfuckers. You know, the things that people that need assistance roll up to the store already owning. These electric carts are for people that WALK to them to use… and if you made it that far, maybe… just maybe you you have the ability to buy your trans-fat laden snacks using nothing more than your God-given bipedal power…
You see, technology has steadied nature’s heavy hand without giving a moment’s consideration to the cause… and this is what I take exception with. Scooters at the grocery store should be adorned with big fucking signs that say, “HEY, LOOK AT ME! Don’t pity me! Don’t look away! I can barely summon the strength to chew my own food!” They should be electrified so that the user really has to commit to using one. If you prefer 220 volts of juice up your ass to a gym membership, at least that represents an deliberate choice rather than a passive entitlement. This would also have the benefit of being a testament to your ability to endure pain — and how cool is that?? Big, roided out, muscle ridden MMA fighters would do their shopping in them with veins popping out of their foreheads, daring you to take the last box of Cheez-Its. “RAAAHHHH! I’m only doing three miles an hour, but if I catch you I’M GUNNA BEAT YOUR MONKEY ASS!” FUCK YEAH! They’d buy packages of t-bone steaks, tear them open, and eat them raw next to the meat counter! Drunk teenagers would dare each other to ride them to the beer aisle! Every day at the grocery store would be alive with competition, and grocery store shopping finally would be an event, not a necessity!! ARE YOU WITH ME!??
Being caring in this country has somehow become synonymous with absolving people from personal responsibility, and while my examples are deliberately outrageous, I’m genuinely irritated by the number of people that perceive the privilege of being lazy as some sort of inalienable right. For every person I see in a grocery scooter that truly is in need, I see literally dozens of people of people that use them as an excuse to remain lethargic and self absorbed. In the immortal words of the Big Lebowski, “This aggression will not stand, man!” Sure, you have a right to live, but you do not have a right to be insulated from your own poor choices… nor do you have a right from being called you out when you go OVER THE LINE (thanks, Walter). You see, this is all part of the American way. You can be an asshole, I can be pissed off at you, and we can all become socialists so that we’ll get along better–
Gah! Fuck that too!! This country has me so irritated right now I can’t see straight. The government owns GM. The Italians own Chrysler. The government GAVE AWAY billions to financial institutions with no strings attached. We’re headed toward inflation and, worst of all, muscle cars are quickly becoming a dying breed! If this has any silver lining to it at all, it’s that there will be plenty more to rant about… and you can bet that future posts will carry a similar pissed off attitude. I’m done talking about my cat and humorous things that happen around the office. The gloves are off, baby. Bingo is back, old school, and there will be much, much more to come…
— Bingo