Well, as a followup to my edition on sports cars, I figure it’s appropriate to mention that I bought a Nissan 350Z. New, base model, with silver metallic paint and 306 BHP. I got a smokin’ deal — as far as I can figure about $250 over invoice — but after all my chest pounding about big American V8’s, you may question why I purchased a high-strung Japanese V6. The simple answer is, well, the Z is incredible value for money. Sure, I’d rather have a Vette… but the Z is just as capable of planting me into a tree and costs half as much. The way I see it, why not make the practical choice?
Anyway, this edition isn’t about cars, it’s about bathroom etiquette. Yes, again… but this time with a completely different twist. You see, my company just got through moving and the new location isn’t as friendly toward those of us whose plumbing is occasionally pressurized by our first cup of coffee. I know — it’s not a pleasant subject, but we’ve all been there. You’re speaking to a co-worker when, without any warning, your colon suddenly consumes every ounce of your mental focus. This causes you to stop speaking mid-sentence and, if you’re a poker player, look like you were just dealt a straight flush. You’ve got 30 seconds. Better make them count.
Step one: End all social interaction quickly, but not so abruptly to call attention to the crisis at hand. This is where victory is won or lost.
Step two: Take small, hurried steps toward the nearest facility, but with enough poise as to make those that observe you think that you’re late for a meeting.
Step three: Forcefully open the bathroom door, taking quick notice of both stall availability and lingering funkiness. Funkiness, though optional, is a good smoke screen.
Step four: Take notice of any neighbors in adjacent stalls. How nice are the shoes they’re wearing? Do they look like they might be in management? This will help you plan a maximum decibel level. If you suspect a Vice President or better, wait for a flushing toilet or running faucet to mask any inappropriate noises.
Step five: Assume the position, mustering any remaining strength to let hand washers make it to the exit.
My company’s old location had private bathrooms, which meant that being discrete was completely unnecessary. In fact, it was better to kick your colon into overdrive… keep it under two minutes so that, if you’re spotted walking in, nobody associates you with skidmarks on the porcelain or the lingering smell of ass…
Okay. So why have I gone through such great lengths to describe this unpleasant experience? To prove a point: using public bathrooms requires a certain amount of discretion… yet, in spite of this, some people think it’s appropriate to bring their cellphone conversations in while they take care of business. That, my friends, is crossing a boundary that tears at the fabric of peaceful, civilized society. You’ll get an urgent phone call during explosive diarrhea once — maybe twice in a lifetime, and that’s the ONLY situation in which I could forgive such a serious breach of etiquette. If you’ve simply got to take a leak, for God’s sake, HANG UP THE FUCKING PHONE. I don’t want to hear your voice booming off the walls, knowing that awkward pause in your conversation corresponded with you whipping out your wedding tackle. Plus — and this is the part that really kills me — the fact that you’re talking tells EVERYONE (even the people in the stalls) just what a dirty, ill-mannered bastard you are. Seriously, call your wife back you sick freak!!
… and if I’m on the phone with someone and their voice suddenly gets all echoey, they’ve got ten seconds to convince me that they just walked into a storm drain. Uh-uh… you’re not pulling that shit on me. I’m hanging up on your dirty ass and when you call back, guess what? Voice mail. Nothing but voice mail for at least 30 minutes, after which I’m going to call YOU and cordially invite you to read this web site. Oh, are you one of those guys? Yeah? Remember this, you social retard: everyone… yes, EVERYONE that heard you on the phone was thinking exactly what I just wrote.
Look, it’s not that hard, people. Use common sense in public restrooms. Don’t watch me piss. Hang up the phone. Ummm, I don’t know… if you fart really loudly, follow it quickly with an ‘ooooooooh-weee!!‘ That’s it. Three simple rules to keep you out of trouble.
I don’t know. Maybe there’s a fourth…
Stay tuned for more.
— Bingo